Question:
Sarah, It sounds like you are making great strides toward recovery. I am so happy for you and so proud of you. Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
Well, folks…it has been a difficult last couple of months. I am starting to get in touch with my feelings which have been frozed for a long time. Discovering that I do not know how to have relationships has been sobering. Sure, I can relate to tasks and people, but one-on-one…nooooooowwwwwayyyyyyy. But, this has to and will change. I have always had this enormous fear of women. I wasn’t sure where it was instigated, but it was present and interfereing in daily life. Going to spoiler this** ** *** ***** ****** My sisters death put me into a deep repression. I remember receiving a note in the mail from my mother saying "Your sister is dead, Mom". I didn’t know which sister or how since the funeral had occurred 3 weeks earlier. It was the final touche’ of my family. When I got the coroners report, I just stopped everything. I was in a fog unable to really respond to anyone. I wasn’t really depressed, more starving. In a twisted sort of way, her death became a reality after talking with the guy who buried her. To be "with" her, I stopped eating, ended up in the hospital…had the lupus meds rearranged and worked or her death. I am seeing more clearly now. It is just that I would have laid down my life to see my family healthy. I would have done anything that they would have been well. But, nothing would help them. Some people at church have been trying to get to know me and I pushed them away. I am trying to restore those relationships and would appreciate your support. It is like this is the core of the issues. Physically I am tons better and nutrition has helped. I vascillate between losing weight and maintaining and it is a deep struggle. My head is obviously not clear yet on that issue. I found that I hid from myself and others, afraid that if they knew me, that I would be expoused and humiliated. I just know that ED’s are hell and I sure don’t want to feel like this forever. I feel like if I fail with Gayle (person at church) that I will be lost unable to return. Right now I am just really bored. I am not well enough to do many things, but well enough to be restless. The struggle to eat continues, but I have found an ED specialist that takes medicare/medicaid. It has taken 5 weeks (very long weeks), but next week I meet with a nutritionist and the new therapist. The Psychiatrist has been wonderful. Hopefully between the physical and mental hope can be restored. This past two weeks I actualy went to the mall (first time) and went to a Halloween party (in ten years). I went as the one-eyed one horned flying purple people eater complete with music. And yes, cleaned the fishtank today. 
Love, Sarah
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