Question:
kyra-mouse wrote … i have been making attempts. . baby steps, anyway. i called a new person in Atlanta about a half dozen times this past week, but hung up before anyone answered. does that count?? maybe next week i’ll squeek "hello" before hanging up.
Need someone to call for you? I know how much courage it takes. But once you do it, you’ll feel relieved. Honestly, I’d be happy to make an appointment for you if it would help, e-mail me if you want to take me up on it. However, I completely also know that when I needed it, I never would have let anyone do that, so I’ll understand if it’s something you need to do yourself – I just want you to get into therapy so bad while you’re still on top of the work situation and all of that, y’know? My weiner dog is here at my feet, aren’t they a comfort? is yours a miniature?? red or black-n-tan? i tell Elwood he’s "10.5 lbs of white-hot canine terror." such the attitude. gotta love ‘em.
My little Hunter is black-n-tan. She’s part something else, too, though not sure what. She’s from the pound. I think beagle or corgi, she’s got shorter ears than she should, and a longer, furrier tail. Otherwise, she looks all weinerdog. I love taking her for walks, little kids are always point and go, "Weinerdog, mom, look!" and it makes me smile. She’s 16 pounds, and constantly digging and burying and sniffing – she runs like a rocket, too. So cute. I LOVE the name Elwood, it’s perfect. Hugs to you as well. you know me so perfectly, it’s amazing. i feel some better today. a little bi-polar moody bitch is all. . . (that’s pretty normal for me)
Know the feeling, girlfriend. Moody bitches of the world, unite! Love, jodie
Response:
. . did you take the brain today??? lololol! No, I thought *you* had it! If you find it, ask it where my car keys are, k?
no cerebral mass discovered. no car keys either. i did find some gum wrappers and a used-up cigarette lighter. sigh. what are we gonna do, girlfriend? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x x x x spoilered for basic e.d. ramblings, SI crap and a general inability to make sense. . . x x x x x x x x xx x i called my dad yesterday. Mmmmm… Of course you were testing him.
you got me. Tell me, you had to have *known* he would fail the test, considering the "I don’t HAVE to come see you" thing, right? So maybe this whole "test" was an effort to sabotage yourself?
yeah, i wonder why i constantly do the sabotage thing. sometimes i think i must really like to feel badly about myself. remember the ex-husband? well, it’s the weirdest situation EVER. .and one day, my tell-all book will make me rich. we remained the best friends in the world. everyone was jealous of our intimacy – and nobody could understand such a dynamic between ex-spouses. after the whole in-patient routine, etc. etc., he asked me to move back in with him so he could be there for me. i did ’cause i didn’t have anywhere else to go. he took care of me. he was the biggest support system i ever had. my dad and all but one of my big brothers completely washed their hands of me. . .. . they were so grateful that Scott was taking care of their chores. they used to call and tell him as much. .. . .after i hit what i "believed" was recovery & finally entered a healthy relationship, i decided it would be better for both Scott and myself if i moved on. . to the new city, new life. . blah. blah. blah. i didn’t want to be responsible for holding him back. well, apparently i was right. . .in the short time i’ve gone. . .he’s now on his third promotion (computer hacking genius). . making the big bucks, new car, steady relationship with beautiful "normal" woman. . . . .i couldn’t be prouder for him, i swear. but now his calls are sporadic at best. he answers my emails with, "i know i owe you an email, and as soon as i get some time. . . i promise" .. . . . he knows i’ve relapsed, and i feel so abandoned by him. my dad doesn’t surprise me. he’s never been there for me. big fuck. but i feel so angry with scott. .. . .he’s my best friend in the world. . doesn’t he understand how much i need him????? i refuse to put it to him like this because i don’t want to sabotage HIS happiness and success right now. we both HAVE to get on with our separate lives just like i intended us to. (it’s just so hard to explain. it’s not and NEVER was a romantic attachment. . . .i don’t miss him "like that".. . i’ve got the boyfriend and he’s a full-time job, believe me. i don’t WANT another "man". . just my friend. Scott was my family entirely!) "daddy, i think i’m sick again." he said, "what is it THIS time" i said, "dad, i’m anorexic" he said, "i didn’t know that could come back." For crying out loud. {{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}
yeah, he’s a goober, ain’t he. If you go to therapy, remember to take the brain with you. :)
i have been making attempts. . baby steps, anyway. i called a new person in Atlanta about a half dozen times this past week, but hung up before anyone answered. does that count?? maybe next week i’ll squeek "hello" before hanging up. (i did have a gnarly, screaming, wake the neighbors nightmare last night.) is my brain starved?? (See my post about what a night I had last night – huge nightmares.)
well, gee. i guess so. what a "melrose place" scene you had to go through. mentioned you were moving out. . .will you be living on your own now??? how brave. how awesome. how wonderful. My weiner dog is here at my feet, aren’t they a comfort?
is yours a miniature?? red or black-n-tan? i tell Elwood he’s "10.5 lbs of white-hot canine terror." such the attitude. gotta love ‘em. Hugs to you as well. you know me so perfectly, it’s amazing. i feel some better today. a little bi-polar moody bitch is all. . . (that’s pretty normal for me) love you, kyra-mouse
Response:
{{{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}} It sounds like your dad is in denial. It;s not that he doesnt care about you, he just doesnt know how to hande the issue. See, dads (and men in general) want to "fix" things…and when something isnt fixable, they tend to ignore it, or push it our of sight or mind. It’s quite possible that he didnt want to come see you back in 1997 because he was just plain scared. Another thing I have realized…our parents tend to blame themselves. They often wont admit it, and sometimes that blame manifests itself in anger and guilt placed on the other person (you). See, when I got so sick with my lupus and other illnesses, my mom would get SO frustrated. I called her one day at work because I had just been diagnosed with Osteoporosis and was reasonably upset (i was 23!). She got a bit of an attitude, told me that I was sick because I was on too many medications and that there wasnt anything she could do. it took several years for me to realize that in a way, she feels guilty. And she even admits that she wonders what if she had done this or that, then maybe I wouldnt have so many problems. She too, basically ignored my anorexia, and it’s only now that we can talk about it just a little. And there are still some topics that she just wont discuss. And I know why….she blames herself…and sometimes, she will take it out on me as anger. Just for your information, my mom left me and her then husband 10 years ago to pursue an online romance, and has lived in California since (I live in Maryland). She is still with the guy, and I have seen her a total of 1 week out of almost 10 years. Growing up, our parents were taught not to talk about feelings. Boys were told not to cry and to be strong, and girls were told not to whine and act needy. I think alot of it stems from that. Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
kyra-mouse wrote … hey, Jodie. . if maybe we’re the same person living in two separate bodies. . . did you take the brain today??? maybe i left it in my other purse. . . ’cause i just got a bad case of the stupids these days.
lololol! No, I thought *you* had it! If you find it, ask it where my car keys are, k? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -x x x x spoilered for basic e.d. ramblings, SI crap and a general inability to make sense. . . x x x x x x x x xx x i called my dad yesterday.
Mmmmm… Of course you were testing him. You said right here that your boss treated you more like a father than your father ever had. That’s *got* to bring up some heavy emotions. Now, maybe you hadn’t planned out exactly a point to your exercise, but really, it brought up hurt feelings and you had to do something with them. Tell me, you had to have *known* he would fail the test, considering the "I don’t HAVE to come see you" thing, right? So maybe this whole "test" was an effort to sabotage yourself? Honestly, you didn’t think the butthead was going to hop a plane and come make it all better, did you? (As much as it would be nice if he were that caring.) I’m not pointing out what a jerk he is to upset you, but I’m pointing out that maybe you’re reminding yourself he’s a jerk for the same reasons you cut? "daddy, i think i’m sick again." he said, "what is it THIS time" i said, "dad, i’m anorexic" he said, "i didn’t know that could come back."
For crying out loud. {{{{{{Kyra}}}}}} what a waste of my long distance time. he does denial better than i do guilt. (and i’m the queen superior of guilt.)
Well, we can share the guilt queen title, but I’m not about to let you have *all* rights to it. bout turned myself inside out last night to keep from cutting. (somehow did not) and feel almost certain that i will tonight. actually, i’m positive i will. i feel like a drug addict for sharp shit. (although i’m starting to fancy the burning thing as well. i’ve truly lost my mind)
Too late to send you vibes for last night. I hope you didn’t wind up doing it, though I completely understand the pain building up underneath, and I also completely understand that you don’t feel any other way to let it out. Lost your mind? No. Need some therapy to learn how to deal with things a little better? Yes. (Have you taken your employer up on that offer yet? hint hint) If you go to therapy, remember to take the brain with you. :) i literally felt suicidal all afternoon. WHY????? over pants?????? am i just sleep-deprived?? (i did have a gnarly, screaming, wake the neighbors nightmare last night.) is my brain starved??
No, not over pants. Over the stress with your job, your trouble dealing with your emotions, your remembering how unsupportive your father is, etc. Sorry about the nightmares, I had them, too. (See my post about what a night I had last night – huge nightmares.) But yes, your brain probably is starved. And yes, that can make a difference in your moods, thoughts, all of that. cause the size of my ass certainly does NOT point to this.
Now it’s my turn to tell you to be nice to yourself… oh well, can’t do much harm to myself right now as the wiener dog has crawled up in my lap and gone soundly to sleep. it’d be a shame to disturb him. love ya’ll. thanks for having computers.
My weiner dog is here at my feet, aren’t they a comfort? Please take care. Sorry you’re having such a hard time right now… Hugs, jodie
Response:
hey, Jodie. . if maybe we’re the same person living in two separate bodies. . . did you take the brain today??? maybe i left it in my other purse. . . ’cause i just got a bad case of the stupids these days. x x x x spoilered for basic e.d. ramblings, SI crap and a general inability to make sense. . . x x x x x x x x xx x i called my dad yesterday. hadn’t talked to him since about Christmas. i think i was testing him. no, i’m positive i was testing him. after my boss had treated me with more compassion than my father ever had. . i think i wanted to "call" him on it. . .when i was hospitalized long-term in ‘97, he called there and said, "i don’t have to come see you there do i??" when i said, "no". .there was an audible sigh of relief on the other end . . i haven’t seen him in. . . i don’t know when. . .(my mother is deceased – only her ghost to haunt the shit out of me now). . .so i called. i said, "daddy, i think i’m sick again." he said, "what is it THIS time" i said, "dad, i’m anorexic" he said, "i didn’t know that could come back." what a waste of my long distance time. he does denial better than i do guilt. (and i’m the queen superior of guilt.) bout turned myself inside out last night to keep from cutting. (somehow did not) and feel almost certain that i will tonight. actually, i’m positive i will. i feel like a drug addict for sharp shit. (although i’m starting to fancy the burning thing as well. i’ve truly lost my mind) after this morning’s shower i caught a glimpse of my much hated nakedness and felt a little scared. . remembered my last summer’s trip to the Dachau concentration camp (history dork, remember). . .promised myself i’d get better. within 15 minutes, however, i felt like i was PUSHING my huge ass into black pants for work and promised myself how hard i’d restrict today. SEE?? where’s my brain?? cried and was beyond depressed all day. for NO reason. it feels like all my emotions are on the outside of my skin. i can’t think straight. my car is experiencing some kind of fuck-up (which will cost tons to fix, i’m sure). . . . skipped lunch to go buy pants. if i’d only had sharps in my purse, i’d have sliced myself right there in the dressing room. i mean, shopping for clothes always triggers the hell out of me, but i was torn to pieces. . .the pants that fit. . .well, if i do what i’m "supposed" to do. . if i eat like i promised my boss i would. . .they won’t fit next week. . then i’ll go way-restrictive again. bought the pants anyway. guilt. guilt. guilt. too broke to buy anything. have to keep restricting to make sure the pants don’t ever get a tiny bit tight. . . i literally felt suicidal all afternoon. WHY????? over pants?????? am i just sleep-deprived?? (i did have a gnarly, screaming, wake the neighbors nightmare last night.) is my brain starved?? cause the size of my ass certainly does NOT point to this. oh, i just wanna croak. i’m so sick of myself i could puke. my mood swings are just a’ roller-coastering. . . oh well, can’t do much harm to myself right now as the wiener dog has crawled up in my lap and gone soundly to sleep. it’d be a shame to disturb him. love ya’ll. thanks for having computers. kyra-mouse
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