Question:
c21coc…@aol.com (C21Cochrn) said: >Its just not theway it use to be and we can not seem to get it back.
It will never be like it "used to be". People get hung up on the wrong idea of what love is, then are disappointed when they find out what it isn’t. Fact of the matter is, no matter how you & your wife feel, you had kids and it is your obligation to raise them *together*. Don’t screw your kids just because you don’t get tingly all over any more.
Response:
I’m coming into this thread a little late, so pardon me if others have already suggested this…..I’d say the first thing to do is to get away alone for maybe a weekend….and just TALK….until you have gotten everything out on the table in the most respectful delicate manner that both of you can. Then, once the baby is born…if it’s not too far off…..go on something like what I’ve heard called "encounter weekends"….just the two of you. From the way it sounds, there are no real ill feelings between you, which is very hopeful. It may be that you guys have gotten comfortable with each other, gotten into mundane routines and even mundane conversation patterns…and lost the youth of the relationship. Hopefully a spark is all you need. I’d certainly not give up at this stage in the game…… Godspeed…… ISIS "C21Cochrn" <c21coc…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20000723234632.17378.00000060@ng-ck1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight > into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this > short and to the point. > i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 > years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last > year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed > with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the > last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being > married with out the love of husband and wife. > We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or > relative then it does hubby and wife. > Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time > being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The > lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing > anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and > it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i > believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. > We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the > way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people > change but i thought love would change for the better. > Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. > Any and all advise is welcome. > I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
Please don’t get a separation… this is probably the hardest thing your marriage will have to endure, (hopefully) To call it a roller coaster is pretty accurate. Adding new people into your family unit is such a taxing strain on a couple that it is bound to test the strength of your marriage. Pregnant with an 18 month old is exhausting and your wife is under a great deal of stress, physically , psychologically, emotionally, hormonally etc, whether she knows/shows it or not. If you are not fighting and it is just non sexual then please try to just be patient, from experience here I can say that here have been times during our pregnancy the mere heat of my husband in bed has bothered me, silly but true. Call hormones or just the fact that your body is not your own, some pregnancies are rougher than others. In the spirit of close friendship talk to her, revisit an intimate trip or moment in your past, your honeymoon maybe, in detail with words, try to explain to her that you miss those times and how you can’t wait to be able to have those moments again when she is ready. Reminiscing is a big part of being married, holding on to the good time is sometimes all you have. She is feeling your dissatisfaction whether you address it or not and she needs to feel safe that you are going to stay in the boat through the whole trip. You both have a lot more responsibilities now, that comes with the kid territory. She needs your love and support now more then ever, please don’t run when it is tough, if anything tell her she is doing great, send her flowers, get a sitter and take her out to dinner, tell her she’s beautiful. she will be eternally grateful and you might see some real positive changes. Tend to your garden, she is growing your child. Katie (8 months pregnant, and mom to 2 more beauties under age 5) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -C21Cochrn wrote in message <20000723234632.17378.00000…@ng-ck1.aol.com>… >Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight >into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this >short and to the point. >i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 >years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last >year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed >with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the >last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being >married with out the love of husband and wife. >We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or >relative then it does hubby and wife. >Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time >being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The >lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing >anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and >it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i >believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. >We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the >way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people >change but i thought love would change for the better. >Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. >Any and all advise is welcome. >I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
Another thing….I don’t know if this is even remotely associated with the pregnancy or not……but I noticed that as I get older, if I gain past a certain weight….at the point where *I* feel fat, whether I am or not….or whether anyone else feels I am or not…..my drive lessens. Then, when I get straightened back out and back to the weight I like to be at again….it all comes back. If she’s got an 18 month old and another on the way…chances are…she has been carrying a little extra weight for longer than she would like to. Like I said, it’s a shot in the dark, coming from something I’ve learned about myself over the past two years. ISIS – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Ian" <a…@anon.com> wrote in message news:397BD3E6.78147EE2@anon.com… > Hi C21Cochrn, > While not wanting to be simplistic, I definitely think that your marriage could > benefit from counselling and from some romantic time alone together. However, this > time, with a little child and another on the way, is a dangerous low-point and one > that will require fortitude and dedication from both of you if you’re going to make > it. If you try to stop having babies for a while after this next one, then things > will gradually get better. > Just as you describe, that second pregnancy is one of the hardest times in a > marriage. I’ve been there twice (in two marriages). You really have to stick > together, even in a friendship sort of way through that time, or the stresses will > soon have you turning on each other. > If you don’t have any other reasons to consider leaving, then it sounds like it’s > worth another try. The sex thing is readily exlicapable by the pregnancies: you’re > wife is likely frustrated with this situation too, though perhaps for different > reasons. It certainly won’t be helping your intimate relationship. The vital > thing is that you build some time for the two of you into your relationship after > baby number two comes along. > I don’t know how bad your marriage is, even at this low point: you don’t mention > verbal abuse or open hostility, or external temptations, but more just a low-level > mutual indifference (I hope even this is an overstatement). > Did you love each other once? Do you generally get along together? Apart from the > sex, do you still talk together, eat meals together, etc? > Maybe this is just a bad patch, at a pretty usual time in a marriage (the eight > years is often significant as a trouble time too). > At least try some counselling. > Best wishes, > Ian > C21Cochrn wrote: > > Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight > > into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this > > short and to the point. > > i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 > > years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last > > year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed > > with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the > > last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being > > married with out the love of husband and wife. > > We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or > > relative then it does hubby and wife. > > Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time > > being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The > > lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing > > anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and > > it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i > > believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. > > We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the > > way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people > > change but i thought love would change for the better. > > Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. > > Any and all advise is welcome. > > I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
Cherish….I know………lets burn him at the stake…….BTW you wouldn’t be a Jehovah’s Witness would you? If you knew anything about the church and I MEAN ANYTHING about the church and it’s history methinks you wouldn’t be as vehement as you are. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<Cherish> wrote in message news:snsal2a3j130@corp.supernews.com… > On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > > Nice try, but your lies are electronically captured for all to see. You > > are probably a "stay at home mom", i.e., leech, whose husband has to > > finace your slug-like lifestyle. To add insult to injury, he rarely > > gets laid now, as you suggested in your initial response. Tell the > > truth: do you give it to him less often now than before you started > > breeding? > I am a professional registered nurse and I make a damn good living. Thank > you very much. I never suggested that I have ever given in less often since > we had children. But I know the pressures and stresses of rearing children > and how that could cause a strain. That was captured electronically. Can’t > you comprehend? > > I am happily married, and have been so for over ten years now. > > You are not only a liar, but a poor judge of character as well. > I am flabbergasted that you could actually find a wife or husband or > whatever. And I think I have you nailed as far as character, that’s what > scares you. > You are not powerful enough to prevent anything. Face the truth, you are > beat when it comes to Jesus. You are no match for him or his followers. > Running scared is all you are. > Peace and Love you poor lost soul.
Response:
SUBVERSIONMANIA……….this is one sick bitch…Cherish IS a bigot. I don’t like you either….the war is on. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<Cherish> wrote in message news:sns158843j1120@corp.supernews.com… > On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > > Need I remind you of your previous post? > We went through the struggles of parenthood. That is what I was referring > to. > > You are not only an unconvincing liar, you have flat out contradicted > > yourself in the same thread. > No I haven’t. And I do not lie. You might be familiar with LIARS as you > probably are one, but I am not. > > Nah, he said that there sex life was fine before the crotchfruit came > > along. Pay attention. > There is probably more to it than we will ever know. YOU pay attention. > However, being as you probably have never had a committed and loving > relationship, you wouldn’t have a clue as to what any of us on this > newsgroup are talking about. > > Every breeder I help to prevent from being born more than makes up for the > > resources i use. When are you going to start doing your part to make the > > world a better place? > How dare you try to convince anyone not to have children. My husband and I > take care of ours and we don’t need any help from anyone but God. If you > are so worried about resources, why not put an end to your miserable life > instead of encouraging the killing of unborn babies? One of these babies, > if given the chance at life, may one day find the cure for dreaded diseases > or something. You, on the other hand, make no contribution to mankind with > your ill thought, and apparent disregard for humanity. > > Sorry if you are not used to this much Truth delivered so > > directly and blatantly, but the sooner you wake up, the better off you > > will truly be. > I see no truth in your post. The problem with you is that you can’t take my > soul from God, and it drives you nuts. I believe in him. I trust in him. > And my life belongs to him. How can you say He is not real when even > historians cannot deny his birth, existance, and crucifiction? > Peace.
Response:
On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > Nice try, but your lies are electronically captured for all to see. You > are probably a "stay at home mom", i.e., leech, whose husband has to > finace your slug-like lifestyle. To add insult to injury, he rarely > gets laid now, as you suggested in your initial response. Tell the > truth: do you give it to him less often now than before you started > breeding?
I am a professional registered nurse and I make a damn good living. Thank you very much. I never suggested that I have ever given in less often since we had children. But I know the pressures and stresses of rearing children and how that could cause a strain. That was captured electronically. Can’t you comprehend? > I am happily married, and have been so for over ten years now. > You are not only a liar, but a poor judge of character as well.
I am flabbergasted that you could actually find a wife or husband or whatever. And I think I have you nailed as far as character, that’s what scares you. You are not powerful enough to prevent anything. Face the truth, you are beat when it comes to Jesus. You are no match for him or his followers. Running scared is all you are. Peace and Love you poor lost soul.
Response:
In article <snsal2a3j…@corp.supernews.com>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text - NoEm…@myhouse.com wrote: > On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > > Nice try, but your lies are electronically captured for all to see. You > > are probably a "stay at home mom", i.e., leech, whose husband has to > > finace your slug-like lifestyle. To add insult to injury, he rarely > > gets laid now, as you suggested in your initial response. Tell the > > truth: do you give it to him less often now than before you started > > breeding? > I am a professional registered nurse and I make a damn good living. Thank > you very much. I never suggested that I have ever given in less often since > we had children. But I know the pressures and stresses of rearing children > and how that could cause a strain. That was captured
electronically. Can’t > you comprehend?
So, how often do you put out since cranking out the kids? Afraid to answer, eh? > > I am happily married, and have been so for over ten years now. > > You are not only a liar, but a poor judge of character as well. > I am flabbergasted that you could actually find a wife or husband or > whatever. And I think I have you nailed as far as character, that’s > what scares you.
Your lack of intellect is frightening, although it is unfortunately not uncommon. You are weak, and have bought into an inherently bogus belief system. That is what frightens you. > You are not powerful enough to prevent anything. Face the truth, you are > beat when it comes to Jesus. You are no match for him or his followers. > Running scared is all you are.
You are beaten by Muhammed and Vishnu. Their followers greatly outnumber the weak, impotent jeez-ass! You are a joke. Your god is an asshole. You my be scared of the Truth, and you should be. But me? I spit on you, and your weak, disgusting, sorry-ass excuse for a savior. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
Response:
On Tue, 25 Jul 2000 22:01:18 GMT, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: >Ever consider taking a course in reading comprehension? This has >already been explained. Your yardmonkeys will consume a tremendous >amount of resources over their lives, and will probably reproduce more
Nice job of thread hijack, subversion. – Randy
Response:
In article <sns158843j1…@corp.supernews.com>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text - NoEm…@myhouse.com wrote: > On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > > Need I remind you of your previous post? > We went through the struggles of parenthood. That is what I was referring > to. > > You are not only an unconvincing liar, you have flat out contradicted > > yourself in the same thread. > No I haven’t. And I do not lie. You might be familiar with LIARS as you > probably are one, but I am not.
Nice try, but your lies are electronically captured for all to see. You are probably a "stay at home mom", i.e., leech, whose husband has to finace your slug-like lifestyle. To add insult to injury, he rarely gets laid now, as you suggested in your initial response. Tell the truth: do you give it to him less often now than before you started breeding? > > Nah, he said that there sex life was fine before the crotchfruit came > > along. Pay attention. > There is probably more to it than we will ever know. YOU pay attention. > However, being as you probably have never had a committed and loving > relationship, you wouldn’t have a clue as to what any of us on this > newsgroup are talking about.
Well, I am happily married, and have been so for over ten years now. You are not only a liar, but a poor judge of character as well. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > Every breeder I help to prevent from being born more than makes up for the > > resources i use. When are you going to start doing your part to make the > > world a better place? > How dare you try to convince anyone not to have children. My husband and I > take care of ours and we don’t need any help from anyone but God. If you > are so worried about resources, why not put an end to your miserable life > instead of encouraging the killing of unborn babies? One of these babies, > if given the chance at life, may one day find the cure for dreaded diseases > or something. You, on the other hand, make no contribution to mankind with > your ill thought, and apparent disregard for humanity.
Ever consider taking a course in reading comprehension? This has already been explained. Your yardmonkeys will consume a tremendous amount of resources over their lives, and will probably reproduce more human waste, just like you did. By preventing a single birth, I will not make up for the resources that I will use over my lifetime, but will benefit future generations by nipping future breeders in the bud. Any additional ones after that are gravy. You, on the other hand, are throwing fuel onto a raging population fire. I just hope your breeding days are over with, and that your children somehow overcome your ignorant influences before they reach breeding age (if they live that long). > > Sorry if you are not used to this much Truth delivered so > > directly and blatantly, but the sooner you wake up, the better off you > > will truly be. > I see no truth in your post.
That is because your delusions prevent you from seeing Truth. > The problem with you is that you can’t take my > soul from God, and it drives you nuts. I believe in him.
So you have an imaginary friend. Bfd. > I trust in him. > And my life belongs to him. How can you say He is not real when even > historians cannot deny his birth, existance, and crucifiction?
Yeah, some pathetic hippie dude named jesus may have been crucified, as were many people during that time frame. Most legends have a small kernel of truth. This doesn’t make any of the virgin birth or salvation fantasies (all of which were ripped off from pagan mythology, by the way) true. You are a mindless dupe. Face your reality. — "If you give people the impression you’re a smarty-pants, that’s no good for sure." - Al Gore Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
Response:
On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > Need I remind you of your previous post?
We went through the struggles of parenthood. That is what I was referring to. > You are not only an unconvincing liar, you have flat out contradicted > yourself in the same thread.
No I haven’t. And I do not lie. You might be familiar with LIARS as you probably are one, but I am not. > Nah, he said that there sex life was fine before the crotchfruit came > along. Pay attention.
There is probably more to it than we will ever know. YOU pay attention. However, being as you probably have never had a committed and loving relationship, you wouldn’t have a clue as to what any of us on this newsgroup are talking about. > Every breeder I help to prevent from being born more than makes up for the > resources i use. When are you going to start doing your part to make the > world a better place?
How dare you try to convince anyone not to have children. My husband and I take care of ours and we don’t need any help from anyone but God. If you are so worried about resources, why not put an end to your miserable life instead of encouraging the killing of unborn babies? One of these babies, if given the chance at life, may one day find the cure for dreaded diseases or something. You, on the other hand, make no contribution to mankind with your ill thought, and apparent disregard for humanity. > Sorry if you are not used to this much Truth delivered so > directly and blatantly, but the sooner you wake up, the better off you > will truly be.
I see no truth in your post. The problem with you is that you can’t take my soul from God, and it drives you nuts. I believe in him. I trust in him. And my life belongs to him. How can you say He is not real when even historians cannot deny his birth, existance, and crucifiction? Peace.
Response:
In article <snrnjr6k3j…@corp.supernews.com>, NoEm…@myhouse.com wrote: > No, my husband can’t relate to this.
Need I remind you of your previous post? "My husband and I went through very much the same stuff you write about after the birth of each of our three children. You see, it is no longer just you that the wife must tend to. She is caught up in trying to separate herself as wife, lover, mother, etc. Women don’t get one role, they have several. Probably alot more than men." You are not only an unconvincing liar, you have flat out contradicted yourself in the same thread. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > he probably would be getting sex right now, if it weren’t for > > those pesky offspring. > Alot of men bitch about this: not getting enough sex. If the truth were > known to them, it’s probably because their selfishness is played out in the > bedroom as well as other aspects of a relationship. Men can’t stand to > think that they might be responsible for the sex being terrible in their > relationship. And if it is, then you can certainly imagine why a wife would > make excuses not to be intimate with her husband. I am not saying that is > right, because problems can be worked on, but this is a reality that most > men can’t face up to.
Nah, he said that there sex life was fine before the crotchfruit came along. Pay attention. > > Why do people like you > > still encourage breeding in an overpopulated world? > You may have a point there. Too bad your parents didn’t stop having > children before you came along.
Actually, the world’s pupulation has doubled since I was born. Ever hear of changing tactics for changing situations? In any event, by counseling young people to have sterilizations and abortions, I am justifying my space on the planet. Every breeder I help to prevent from being born more than makes up for the resources i use. When are you going to start doing your part to make the world a better place? > > A vasectomy would at least mitigate any future damages he may otherwise > > suffer, as well as prevent the tragedy of knocking up anyone he fools > > around with on the side. He has done enough damage already (both to > > himself and our planet) and has hopefully learned from his mistakes. > Yeah, I guess your right there. But you could also suggest to the wife that > she get her tubes tied to prevent any tragedy of getting knocked up by > anyone she fools around with on the side.
That is a good idea. Him getting a vesectomy is more important though, because she can always get an abortion if she gets knocked up. If he has the misfortune of knocking up some little gold digger, the consequences could be much more costly. > Try to lighten up. Faith would help. It is not what Christ CAN do > for you but through you that will make the world a better place.
See above. I am already doing my part to make the world a better place. Your Jesus crap is nothing but mind-numbing drivel, designed to make you easily controlled, and a source of funds for your deceivers. How much money have you given them this past year, anyway? Sorry if you are not used to this much Truth delivered so directly and blatantly, but the sooner you wake up, the better off you will truly be. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
Response:
In article <snr4jpv63j…@corp.supernews.com>, NoEm…@myhouse.com wrote: > On 24-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > > I advise you to get a vasectomy, before you make any more mistakes with > > your wife. > Why do that? He isn’t getting any sex from her or so he posted. And I > certainly hope he doesn’t think of his children as mistakes. Sounds like HE > was a big mistake to me. Selfish and inconsiderate.
His children absolutely were mistakes. He could be enjoying his life right now, instead of suffering to the screams of a baby and the wailing of a pregnant wife (I’m sure your husband can relate to his agony). Indeed, he probably would be getting sex right now, if it weren’t for those pesky offspring. By the way, are you aware that the earth’s population has doubled twice since the 1800’s? Why do people like you still encourage breeding in an overpopulated world? A vasectomy would at least mitigate any future damages he may otherwise suffer, as well as prevent the tragedy of knocking up anyone he fools around with on the side. He has done enough damage already (both to himself and our planet) and has hopefully learned from his mistakes. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
Response:
On 25-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > His children absolutely were mistakes. He could be enjoying his life > right now, instead of suffering to the screams of a baby and the wailing > of a pregnant wife (I’m sure your husband can relate to his agony).
No, my husband can’t relate to this. He never suffered through the screams of a baby, I was fortunate enough not to have a baby that cried all the time. And as far as my wailing while pregnant…that didn’t happen either. I continued to work full-time, keep up the entire house and take care of our children while all he had to do was work full-time. And incidently I came down with full-blown Lupus when I was pregant with our third child. My joints hurt so bad I thought I had bone cancer. But I continued to carry my responsibilities with little or no complaining except to my physician. My love for my unborn children (twins:one of which I lost) due to the illness, was far greater than any selfish need I may have thought I have ever had. > he probably would be getting sex right now, if it weren’t for > those pesky offspring.
Alot of men bitch about this: not getting enough sex. If the truth were known to them, it’s probably because their selfishness is played out in the bedroom as well as other aspects of a relationship. Men can’t stand to think that they might be responsible for the sex being terrible in their relationship. And if it is, then you can certainly imagine why a wife would make excuses not to be intimate with her husband. I am not saying that is right, because problems can be worked on, but this is a reality that most men can’t face up to. > Why do people like you > still encourage breeding in an overpopulated world?
You may have a point there. Too bad your parents didn’t stop having children before you came along. > A vasectomy would at least mitigate any future damages he may otherwise > suffer, as well as prevent the tragedy of knocking up anyone he fools > around with on the side. He has done enough damage already (both to > himself and our planet) and has hopefully learned from his mistakes.
Yeah, I guess your right there. But you could also suggest to the wife that she get her tubes tied to prevent any tragedy of getting knocked up by anyone she fools around with on the side. Now as far as the planet goes, what do you do to help in that area besides make the planet unbearable for the rest of the population? Try to lighten up. Faith would help. It is not what Christ CAN do for you but through you that will make the world a better place. Peace.
Response:
On 24-Jul-2000, subversionma…@my-deja.com wrote: > I advise you to get a vasectomy, before you make any more mistakes with > your wife.
Why do that? He isn’t getting any sex from her or so he posted. And I certainly hope he doesn’t think of his children as mistakes. Sounds like HE was a big mistake to me. Selfish and inconsiderate.
Response:
I advise you to get a vasectomy, before you make any more mistakes with your wife. In article <snp1nafh3j1…@corp.supernews.com>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text - NoEm…@myhouse.com wrote: > On 24-Jul-2000, i…@algebra.com (Igor) wrote: > > C21Cochrn <c21coc…@aol.com> wrote: > > * Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome > > insight > > * into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and > > keep this > > * short and to the point. > > * i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost > > 3 > > * years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For > > the last > > * year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to > > bed > > * with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate > > in the > > * last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of > > being > > * married with out the love of husband and wife. > > * We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close > > friend or > > * relative then it does hubby and wife. > > * > > * Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard > > time > > * being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay > > married. The > > * lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not > > doing > > * anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our > > relationship and > > * it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, > > however i > > * believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a > > split. > > * We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just > > not the > > * way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and > > people > > * change but i thought love would change for the better. > > * Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn > > out. > > * Any and all advise is welcome. > > * > My husband and I went through very much the same stuff you write about after > the birth of each of our three children. You see, it is no longer just you > that the wife must tend to. She is caught up in trying to separate herself > as wife, lover, mother, etc. Women don’t get one role, they have several. > Probably alot more than men. > And the fact that your post comes along with having a very young child and > the impending birth of a new baby tells me that you are just looking for > excuses to wander. Look at the time frame for a minute and you will see > that being a new parent comes with alot of stress, worry, etc. Unless you > are the perfect parent or something, I would say that this alone can have a > great deal to do with the things you outlined in your post. I would like to > ask your wife if she feels that YOU are overburdened in any way with > parental responsibilities? And does she feel like she hasn’t the energy or > the time to be a lover due to her responsibilities, hormones, etc.? I think > you are probably just wallering in self-pity because you can’t have the > "candy in the drugstore window" exactly when you want it. I mean, you were > getting it, after all you have one child and your wife is pregnant again. > Why don’t you ask your wife if she feels overly taxed with motherhood and > offer a little more assistance so that she can rest and have some energy to > devote to you.
– "If you give people the impression you’re a smarty-pants, that’s no good for sure." - Al Gore Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
Response:
Hi C21Cochrn, While not wanting to be simplistic, I definitely think that your marriage could benefit from counselling and from some romantic time alone together. However, this time, with a little child and another on the way, is a dangerous low-point and one that will require fortitude and dedication from both of you if you’re going to make it. If you try to stop having babies for a while after this next one, then things will gradually get better. Just as you describe, that second pregnancy is one of the hardest times in a marriage. I’ve been there twice (in two marriages). You really have to stick together, even in a friendship sort of way through that time, or the stresses will soon have you turning on each other. If you don’t have any other reasons to consider leaving, then it sounds like it’s worth another try. The sex thing is readily exlicapable by the pregnancies: you’re wife is likely frustrated with this situation too, though perhaps for different reasons. It certainly won’t be helping your intimate relationship. The vital thing is that you build some time for the two of you into your relationship after baby number two comes along. I don’t know how bad your marriage is, even at this low point: you don’t mention verbal abuse or open hostility, or external temptations, but more just a low-level mutual indifference (I hope even this is an overstatement). Did you love each other once? Do you generally get along together? Apart from the sex, do you still talk together, eat meals together, etc? Maybe this is just a bad patch, at a pretty usual time in a marriage (the eight years is often significant as a trouble time too). At least try some counselling. Best wishes, Ian – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -C21Cochrn wrote: > Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight > into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this > short and to the point. > i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 > years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last > year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed > with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the > last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being > married with out the love of husband and wife. > We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or > relative then it does hubby and wife. > Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time > being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The > lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing > anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and > it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i > believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. > We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the > way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people > change but i thought love would change for the better. > Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. > Any and all advise is welcome. > I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
your name fits ISIS "Evil1" <1…@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:397c4c02.2003058@nntp.ce.mediaone.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> c21coc…@aol.com (C21Cochrn) said: > >Its just not theway it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. > It will never be like it "used to be". People get hung up on the wrong > idea of what love is, then are disappointed when they find out what it > isn’t. Fact of the matter is, no matter how you & your wife feel, you > had kids and it is your obligation to raise them *together*. Don’t > screw your kids just because you don’t get tingly all over any more.
Response:
In a word, time to grow up, man. You’re sounding pretty self-centered right now. She has an 18 month old baby and is pregnant. Her body and her infant are her #1 priorities. It’d be nice if she could live up to your standards as a loving wife, but you’re going to have to take a back seat for awhile. Believe me, I KNOW this is a hard time for most men (it was for me), but I needed to grow up then and I chose not to….but neither did I leave. Try to think in these terms. With your children and the care she’s giving them, she is loving you in a way that you can’t imagine now and will only be able to appreciate over TIME – like the rest of your life – in the joy these children will bring you. She’s a mother – and that’s a very precious thing and a wonderful gift to you. It’s time for you to honor her as the mother of your children and (for awhile) love her unconditionally. You’ll find it very rewarding and you’ll be glad you did it. Peace and may God bless you! -pje "C21Cochrn" <c21coc…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20000723234632.17378.00000060@ng-ck1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight > into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this > short and to the point. > i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 > years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last > year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed > with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the > last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being > married with out the love of husband and wife. > We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or > relative then it does hubby and wife. > Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time > being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The > lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing > anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and > it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i > believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. > We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the > way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people > change but i thought love would change for the better. > Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. > Any and all advise is welcome. > I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
On 24-Jul-2000, i…@algebra.com (Igor) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> C21Cochrn <c21coc…@aol.com> wrote: > * Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome > insight > * into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and > keep this > * short and to the point. > * i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost > 3 > * years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For > the last > * year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to > bed > * with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate > in the > * last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of > being > * married with out the love of husband and wife. > * We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close > friend or > * relative then it does hubby and wife. > * > * Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard > time > * being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay > married. The > * lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not > doing > * anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our > relationship and > * it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, > however i > * believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a > split. > * We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just > not the > * way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and > people > * change but i thought love would change for the better. > * Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn > out. > * Any and all advise is welcome. > *
My husband and I went through very much the same stuff you write about after the birth of each of our three children. You see, it is no longer just you that the wife must tend to. She is caught up in trying to separate herself as wife, lover, mother, etc. Women don’t get one role, they have several. Probably alot more than men. And the fact that your post comes along with having a very young child and the impending birth of a new baby tells me that you are just looking for excuses to wander. Look at the time frame for a minute and you will see that being a new parent comes with alot of stress, worry, etc. Unless you are the perfect parent or something, I would say that this alone can have a great deal to do with the things you outlined in your post. I would like to ask your wife if she feels that YOU are overburdened in any way with parental responsibilities? And does she feel like she hasn’t the energy or the time to be a lover due to her responsibilities, hormones, etc.? I think you are probably just wallering in self-pity because you can’t have the "candy in the drugstore window" exactly when you want it. I mean, you were getting it, after all you have one child and your wife is pregnant again. Why don’t you ask your wife if she feels overly taxed with motherhood and offer a little more assistance so that she can rest and have some energy to devote to you.
Response:
Congratulations Callai!! I am getting so excited I can barely wait to meet our newest one. Pregnancy and parenthood has taught me more about patience then I would like sometimes. I hope the poster listens with an open heart to the mothers and fathers here and decides not to bail, the miracle is worth the struggle. Katie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Callai wrote in message <397CCC03.AEF8A…@yahoo.com>… >Allbetter wrote: >> Please don’t get a separation… this is probably the hardest thing your >> marriage will have to endure, (hopefully) To call it a roller coaster is >> pretty accurate. >> Adding new people into your family unit is such a taxing strain on a couple >> that it is bound to test the strength of your marriage. Pregnant with an 18 >> month old is exhausting and your wife is under a great deal of stress, >> physically , psychologically, emotionally, hormonally etc, whether she >> knows/shows it or not. >This is SO true….. There are 20 months between my son and daughter and much of >that early time is a blur. We’d been married 8-10 years by then so our intimacy >habits were well-established and it was easier not to ‘lose’ each other in those >early baby-raising years. I think it must be difficult to go into parenthood so >early in a couple’s marriage, while they are still in the honeymoon phase. >I think it’s important for young fathers to understand that even though they are >undergoing emotional and mental changes due the impact of having children, the >effect on mothers is magnified by the physical changes she is going through. >Hormones change a woman’s focus and exhaustion makes it hard to be able to look >further than the things that *have* to be done. A man really shows his character >at these times and the levels of patience and consideration he exhibits will >have a profound influence on the course of the marriage. Get involved, make her >feel like you are there working alongside of her rather than waiting for her to >look up and notice you feel like you’re missing out. >That’s not to say he should ignore his needs or not ask for love and attention. >If he nutures his wife she will be able to respond so much more easily than if >she feels she has yet another ‘child’ wanting her attention. >Take heed, C21Cochrn! >> If you are not fighting and it is just non sexual >> then please try to just be patient, from experience here I can say that >> here have been times during our pregnancy the mere heat of my husband in bed >> has bothered me, silly but true. >I can identify with that. lol >Sometimes his being in the same room and breathing MY air was intensely >irritating but I tried very hard not to show it…it wasn’t really personal, >after all. Poor guys! 
>> Call hormones or just the fact that your >> body is not your own, some pregnancies are rougher than others. >> In the spirit of close friendship talk to her, revisit an intimate trip or >> moment in your past, your honeymoon maybe, in detail with words, try to >> explain to her that you miss those times and how you can’t wait to be able >> to have those moments again when she is ready. Reminiscing is a big part of >> being married, holding on to the good time is sometimes all you have. >> She is feeling your dissatisfaction whether you address it or not and she >> needs to feel safe that you are going to stay in the boat through the whole >> trip. You both have a lot more responsibilities now, that comes with the >> kid territory. She needs your love and support now more then ever, please >> don’t run when it is tough, if anything tell her she is doing great, send >> her flowers, get a sitter and take her out to dinner, tell her she’s >> beautiful. she will be eternally grateful and you might see some real >> positive changes. >> Tend to your garden, she is growing your child. >Beautifully put, Katie. I agree with every word. >> Katie >> (8 months pregnant, and mom to 2 more beauties under age 5) >Not long now! >I had my first scan yesterday and am still blown away by the miracle happening >inside me. 11 weeks down…soooooo many more to go! We told the children last >night and I will always remeber their instant beams of happiness and little >wriggles of delight. >Callai >(It can’t be normal to feel so sick yet be so happy ) >> C21Cochrn wrote in message
<20000723234632.17378.00000…@ng-ck1.aol.com>… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> >Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome >> insight >> >into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep >> this >> >short and to the point. >> >i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 >> >years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the >> last >> >year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to >> bed >> >with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in >> the >> >last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being >> >married with out the love of husband and wife. >> >We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close >> friend or >> >relative then it does hubby and wife. >> >Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard >> time >> >being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. >> The >> >lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing >> >anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship >> and >> >it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i >> >believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. >> >We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not >> the >> >way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and >> people >> >change but i thought love would change for the better. >> >Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn >> out. >> >Any and all advise is welcome. >> >I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
Allbetter wrote: > Please don’t get a separation… this is probably the hardest thing your > marriage will have to endure, (hopefully) To call it a roller coaster is > pretty accurate. > Adding new people into your family unit is such a taxing strain on a couple > that it is bound to test the strength of your marriage. Pregnant with an 18 > month old is exhausting and your wife is under a great deal of stress, > physically , psychologically, emotionally, hormonally etc, whether she > knows/shows it or not.
This is SO true….. There are 20 months between my son and daughter and much of that early time is a blur. We’d been married 8-10 years by then so our intimacy habits were well-established and it was easier not to ‘lose’ each other in those early baby-raising years. I think it must be difficult to go into parenthood so early in a couple’s marriage, while they are still in the honeymoon phase. I think it’s important for young fathers to understand that even though they are undergoing emotional and mental changes due the impact of having children, the effect on mothers is magnified by the physical changes she is going through. Hormones change a woman’s focus and exhaustion makes it hard to be able to look further than the things that *have* to be done. A man really shows his character at these times and the levels of patience and consideration he exhibits will have a profound influence on the course of the marriage. Get involved, make her feel like you are there working alongside of her rather than waiting for her to look up and notice you feel like you’re missing out. That’s not to say he should ignore his needs or not ask for love and attention. If he nutures his wife she will be able to respond so much more easily than if she feels she has yet another ‘child’ wanting her attention. Take heed, C21Cochrn! > If you are not fighting and it is just non sexual > then please try to just be patient, from experience here I can say that > here have been times during our pregnancy the mere heat of my husband in bed > has bothered me, silly but true.
I can identify with that. lol Sometimes his being in the same room and breathing MY air was intensely irritating but I tried very hard not to show it…it wasn’t really personal, after all. Poor guys! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Call hormones or just the fact that your > body is not your own, some pregnancies are rougher than others. > In the spirit of close friendship talk to her, revisit an intimate trip or > moment in your past, your honeymoon maybe, in detail with words, try to > explain to her that you miss those times and how you can’t wait to be able > to have those moments again when she is ready. Reminiscing is a big part of > being married, holding on to the good time is sometimes all you have. > She is feeling your dissatisfaction whether you address it or not and she > needs to feel safe that you are going to stay in the boat through the whole > trip. You both have a lot more responsibilities now, that comes with the > kid territory. She needs your love and support now more then ever, please > don’t run when it is tough, if anything tell her she is doing great, send > her flowers, get a sitter and take her out to dinner, tell her she’s > beautiful. she will be eternally grateful and you might see some real > positive changes. > Tend to your garden, she is growing your child.
Beautifully put, Katie. I agree with every word. > Katie > (8 months pregnant, and mom to 2 more beauties under age 5)
Not long now! I had my first scan yesterday and am still blown away by the miracle happening inside me. 11 weeks down…soooooo many more to go! We told the children last night and I will always remeber their instant beams of happiness and little wriggles of delight. Callai (It can’t be normal to feel so sick yet be so happy ) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> C21Cochrn wrote in message <20000723234632.17378.00000…@ng-ck1.aol.com>… > >Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome > insight > >into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep > this > >short and to the point. > >i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 > >years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the > last > >year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to > bed > >with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in > the > >last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being > >married with out the love of husband and wife. > >We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close > friend or > >relative then it does hubby and wife. > >Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard > time > >being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. > The > >lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing > >anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship > and > >it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i > >believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. > >We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not > the > >way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and > people > >change but i thought love would change for the better. > >Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn > out. > >Any and all advise is welcome. > >I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Response:
On 24 Jul 2000 03:46:32 GMT, c21coc…@aol.com (C21Cochrn) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight >into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this >short and to the point. >i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 >years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last >year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed >with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the >last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being >married with out the love of husband and wife. >We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or >relative then it does hubby and wife. >Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time >being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The >lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing >anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and >it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i >believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. >We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the >way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people >change but i thought love would change for the better. >Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. >Any and all advise is welcome. >I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
Marriage changes after you have children. Well you must have been doing something in the bed as she has been pregnant twice in the last 2 years. She is probably pretty tired with an 18 month old and being pregnant. Once the kids get in school, things should get better. The first few years are rough. I hope you are not planning on having anymore children after this one? Grandma Poopie Pants
Response:
>Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out.
I have encountered this before, and if you have tried flowers, dinners, and trying to talk it out, then it is best that you seperate now, i left my husband for 2 weeks and we are doing great now. Sometimes you need a break to think and so does she, if you are not sleeping together now being intimate with each other it will only get worse. A seperation makes the heart grow fonder. Betrue
Response:
Hello, Im new to this board and hope it is filled with some awesome insight into the toubles and solutions with martial problems. I will try and keep this short and to the point. i have been with my wife for 8 years and we have been married for almost 3 years now. we have an 18 month old child and another on the way. For the last year our marriage has been taking a major nose dive. We no longer go to bed with each other, i can count on one hand how often we have been intimate in the last year and it just feels like we are going through the motions of being married with out the love of husband and wife. We get along ok by many standerds. However it feels more like a close friend or relative then it does hubby and wife. Lately i have been thinking of asking for a seperation, im having a hard time being in a marriage with out the love i believe is needed to stay married. The lack of love is from both sides. Im confused because my wife is not doing anything wrong and neither am I. The love is missing from our relationship and it just gets worse as time goes on. My wife is a wonderful women, however i believe she would stay unhappily married forever before suggesting a split. We have tried professional help but agreed it was not for us. Its just not the way it use to be and we can not seem to get it back. I know time and people change but i thought love would change for the better. Have any of you encounted something like this, and if so how did it turn out. Any and all advise is welcome. I guess i did not keep it brief after all.
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